Parish the Thought

by Marcia Mascolini

He collapsed into the chair next to the open window and muttered, "What have I done?"

Father Ralph Betz knew exactly what he'd done. He'd swept the rice thrown at Mary Alice Kessel's wedding from the sidewalk in front of St. Raymond's R.C. Church . No fit work for a man weighing 320 pounds and wearing a black cassock in 95-degree heat. Yet he couldn't hand it off to the janitor. He did not wish to compromise others in his possibly sinful act.

Mopping his large, sweaty face with a kitchen towel, Ralph questioned his conscience. The fact was the church and rectory needed air conditioning in the heat and humidity of a southern Illinois summer. The other fact was that his parishioners were not about to pay for it. They didn't see the need. Spending an hour in the dimness of the church once a week made a nice change from plowing fields and canning tomatoes.

Ralph truly wished air conditioning had been mentioned in the Bible. They could have used it at the Marriage Feast of Cana. (He wondered whether the guests showered the happy couple with rice.) The Last Supper in the upper room was no picnic either. His parishioners would probably fork up if only he had Biblical precedent.

Rivulets of sweat still ran down Ralph's bare legs - wouldn't the good people of St. Ray's be surprised to learn he wasn't wearing trousers under his cassock - but he'd cooled down enough to take a shower. His annual baptism by fire would end next year. Ralph would have the money for air conditioning. Gabe Grice from the Fish and Game Commission had given him the idea. He was still troubled though, not knowing whether Grice was a true messenger.

Grice had said that the practice of throwing rice after weddings had either to stop or the rice completely removed under penalty of law. If birds ate it, then drank water, they would explode.

Exploding birds sounded bogus to Ralph. But he couldn't deny the case of old Emil Bartosh who ate a bale of popcorn and drank a case of homemade beer. The beer fermented the popcorn, almost making Emil explode and causing him to undergo lengthy abdominal surgery.

The memory of Bartosh decided it for Ralph. Grice was a true messenger, so he slapped a $50 rice removal fee onto the regular donation for performing weddings. It was worth it just to see the look on Mary Alice Kessel's penny-pinching face when he explained it to her. She immediately suggested blowing bubbles instead of throwing rice. He had quickly countered with the church's lack of insurance coverage for slippery sidewalks.

Old Cool Ralph, he thought. Next summer he would be even cooler when he put the $50 fees accumulating in St. Ray's air conditioning fund to work.